Life in a News Cycle
by Myron Kukla
[Editor’s Note: This piece is part of the “Topical” series, with each piece solely submitted to and chosen by the Final Reader Pietra Dunmore.]
I was just wondering what life as an average person would be like if someone—say John Smith—suddenly came under constant scrutiny by 24-hour-news, social media and the world. I think it would go like this.
NEWS
It was reported by the Huntington Post minutes ago that John Smith, slept in today—A WORK DAY‚and didn’t get out of bed until 8:20 a.m.
TWITTER REACTION BLISTERING
John Smith Lazy, good for nothing bum. #johnsmithlazybum
I was up for work at 5 a.m. Some white male elitists live the privileged life. #workingwomenagainstlazybummales
MEDIA REACTION
MNBC questioned whether this was signaling a new trend in sleeping late by average citizens.
A spokesman for Smith—who likely also slept in—was not available for comment on the development.
The Drudge Report has filed a story that regular guy Smith skipped his usual breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast for a quick bowl of cornflakes and milk. Drudge wrote: “Does this signal a change for him to a healthier life style?”
A source in the Smith household responded to the cornflake breakfast story on Facebook, “He believes in a good healthy and varied diet” that had a photo of fruit and cereal together in a bowl.
Joe Scarborough on Morning Joe took Smith to task over the statement. “What’s he saying? Is he just giving lip service that he ‘believes’ in a healthy diet or does he actually practice it?”
Cohost Mika Brzezinski also weighed in. “The whole fruit and cereal photo looks staged. I’ll bet there’s a bagel and cream cheese hanging out of sight on the side.”
Doug from Dallas commented on the Facebook page under the Smith fruit and cereal photo, “What’s the matter, old fashioned grits not good enough for him? That’s the problem with America today.”
MSNBC promised to give 24-hour, weeklong coverage to what they dubbed, “Cerealbowlgate.”
The Washington Post had a scope on today’s average man. It reported Smith drove to work in his 1993 Mustang with the top down.
The Tweets came fast and blistering.
This guy never heard of skin cancer from exposure to the sun? #lazybum&stupid
He is just setting a bad example for the youth of America. #badlazybumexample
At least he’s driving an American made car. Hurray for him. #americancarguy.
The fast developing story on ordinary citizen Smith’s lifestyle, dietary habits and health has just turned ugly. Several eyewitnesses who were walking behind him on the street this morning claimed he “passed gas” in public.
One ear-witness, said the flatulence was “extremely loud and odorous.”
Dr. Oz discussed whether this new flatulence development by Smith is a result of his sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle and diet or caused by a serious medical issue. “Or, could it be the cornflakes?”
Fox and Friends decried public flatulence by Smith. “Whether you call it a bum bugle, butt bubble, toot, passing gas, shart, flatulence or a fart–pooting in public still stinks,” said show cohost Brian Kilmeade.
Smith was moved to Twitter in self-defense. “It wasn’t me that farted. I swear. It was the fat guy on the side of me. #nogashere”
In other developments, YouTube has posted an old video of Smith farting at a Frat Party. The video has been viewed 2.7 million times.
Tonight, NBC Evening News follows the story, “Are Americans more gaseous today and are cornflakes the culprit?”
The National Cornflake Council has issued a public disclaimer to attacks associating their product with gas. “Eating cornflakes doesn’t cause gas. Smith obviously has other socially appropriate issues.”
When caught outside his workplace trying to avoid media covering the story, Smith would only say, “My God, leave me alone. Go away. Find someone else to follow.”
Myron Kukla is a former news reporter for The Grand Rapids Press / Mlive.com. Now, he does corporate public relations through WriteStuffHolland in Michigan and writes books and magazine columns. Kukla has two regionally published humor books, Memories of a Baby Boomer and Guide to Surviving Life. His monthly humor columns Guide to Surviving …appear in Best Version city magazines across the U.S. and Canada.
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What surprising, fascinating stuff can you tell us about the origin, drafting, and/or final version of “Life in a News Cycle”? Way back when I was reading about Prince Harry and Meghan deciding to pull the plug on being part of the British Royal class and the outcry that was happening and wondered how the average person would respond getting thrown into the utter craziness of a 24-hour news cycle over something lame.
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